How to Organize Your Experience
LIKE YOU WOULD YOUR SOCK DRAWER
If you have ADHD, like moi, you might like to use lists to organize tasks that need to be done. Which helps you to not overthink what’s in front of you and to steady yourself against the impulse to attend to every little thing you can think of or everything that’s placed in front you— to slowly assess what’s on your plate and eat what you can before you’re too full.
I’ve been thinking about how to translate this idea of a list of tasks into my life in my more wholistic way. Okay, honestly, I’ve been thinking about this because my trusty gay therapist suggested it. A little light bulb went off and I started to do my usually think: try to find the solution to my problems immediately— this will come again, trust me.
After staring off into space and exhaling all the breathe from my body, my therapist said “you can only do a little at a time.” And he smiled. “Same time next week?,” his face, devoid of emotion (a therapist tactic) and an inflection in his voice that said “hey, you’ll make it until next week.”
Recently, I’ve been lamenting over the quality of my life. It’s, for all intent and purposes, fairly well. I have a job, a giant room in an apartment in New York that only HAD one mouse (I killed it) and a lovely, smart and writerly partner.
But something feels off. My years are racking up! My work: the plays, the poems are all dusty, waiting on a shelf (ok, in Google Docs, but still!).
One big point of absolute frustration was/is my current job situation. I’m a writer. And like many writers, I have a day job that doesn’t have anything with what I studied in graduate school. It requires immense attention, one day. Then, nothing happens for weeks on end— where, gratefully, I can write plays and poems, fill out applications for tons of money I’ll never get. The job has ups and downs. But the downs weigh heavy, filled with moments of degradation and condescension. Frustrated, rightfully, the only option I can think of was to forge ahead and be grateful: for the apartment, the drinks, the late night DoorDash. Then, I was like “oh my god, this has happened before. I can make a change. I know how to do that!” I looked in graphic design, film editing. I started teaching myself all the different Adobe with tutorials on the internet. But it wasn’t coming fast enough.
And on top of that was bills, housing, relationship matters, family, therapy (the excvating of more trauma!!) and loads of other things like simply cooking food for oneself. The thought of all those worries combined, for me, creates a frenetic and voilatile energy that similar to being overwhelmed with tasks at my day job. And I’m sure there are other effective ways to “organize your experience” than just lists— but that’s what’s working for me now.
A mantra of mine is “one thing at a time” to help in those moments of complete panic at work— when emails, tasks, meetings, zooms, all pile up. So I started trying to apply that to my life. I want to travel and write great works of theatre and literature. I want to own a brownstone. I want the life that I want the way I want it. But all those things can’t come at once. So I’ve been trying to think of my mantra as a tackle one thing at a time. I set up a savings account and started using an app that siphons money from your account, mysteriously, to help you save. I try going to gym every other day. I make appointments for doctors to take care of my health. But this also could look like: let me investigate deeper about why comments like “blank” bother me. Let me make an effort to journal about this to find a root emotion.
Each day, if I get one thing done, that’s enough. It’s “one thing at a time.” That’s all I can do. That’s all that needs to be done. One step, one brick, one nail on a piece of wood at a time — eventually you end up with a beautifully constructed house.
Once, my theatre teacher in high school screamed at us “You just want instant gratification!!” She was older, from my mother’s generation. And I thought about that for years and years. I think she was right. Glory comes swiftly. It’s beautiful. It’s addictive. It’s really what every human deserves: validation in great heaps, pouring at their feet. Every person, every little soul deserves this. I believe it.
I think about this moment a lot now— because it doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t happen in a year or two or three. And maybe part of it does come to you, quickly and swiftly, because you’ve worked so hard, because you deserve it but not every part of your dreams, your desires. You have to have to look at your dreams/desires as a game of patience. It comes piece by piece— blessing by blessing.